BLOODLINES
by AnimatedAss8991
Summary: THERE ARE 3 MYSTERIOUS CHARACTERS IN THE LAND OF WAVES, ONE OF WHICH CLAIMS TO BE AN UZUMAKI. JOIN NARUTO ON THIS NEW ADVENTURE FULL OF EXPLOSIVE ACTION AND COMEDY. I ASSURE YOU IT IS NOT TO BE MISSED.
1. Chapter 1

Naruto-Bloodlines

Chapter One- Strangers In The Land Of Waves

The day began like any other in Land of Waves, ever since the Gato incident there has been peace in the Land of Waves. 3 years have passed since then and the "Great Uzumaki Bridge" has drawn in many tourists since word was spread that it had been the site of a great ninja battle concerning the liberation of an oppressed people. It's tale now legend and overly dramatized ( if such an event can be) casting Copy Ninja Kakashi as the hero, but in the minds of bridge builder Tazuna and his family the true hero was the boy who gave courage back to the Land of Waves Naruto Uzumaki who the bridge is named after. However there is one who visits this place not for its tale of heroism or its tourist attraction instead he is there in mourning.

A young man stands over the graves of the villains of What has become The Land Of Waves' favorite story to tell. Couching down and allowing his short black spiked hair to be blown by the wind he removes a Kunai from his back pocket and carves in the head band of one Haku, "Haku Tsumentai" and proceeds to walk away as rain begins to fall marking his silent stroll from the graves. The young man walks past two villagers.

" Yes, my friend and then Kakashi the Copy Ninja killed Zabuza there." said one villager.

" That wasn't how I heard it, I heard it was Zabuza's own fault he died by lunging and killing Gato." said The Other.

" But I had heard Kakashi killed someone." said the first villager trying desperately to validate his version of the story.

" Kakashi killed some kid who Zabuza used as a shield, what was his name again?" Said the second.

" Habu or something, yes now I remember Kakshi killed the kid after the kid was thrown in the way by the guys of squad 7 from Konoha." Said the first now creating another story awaiting validation.

The young man clenches the sword at his side with a grip mustered only by the most enraged of beings and continues his walk muttering the words "Squad 7".

As this quiet visitor to the Land of Waves leaves in an angered state another more distinguished and infinitely more conspicuous visitor arrives accompanied by a beautiful woman with long raven hair, who wore a short miniskirt and very high "bitch boots" . The visitor appeared with his long blond hair tied back producing what had to be the mother of all ponytails at least in length , his white and blue noble robes blowing in the wind while he himself was hiding beneath an umbrella as if he feared the water coming down around him. The woman on the other hand, the one holding the umbrella, stood in the rain with an increasingly peeved face. The two new visitors to the land walk along the bridge until the young man notices the sign indicating its name, more specifically the first word of its name "Uzumaki". He proceeds to jump up and down with stars in his eyes all while carefully remaining under the umbrella, all of which made the job of the umbrella's wielder infinitely more difficult.

" This is wonderful Attendant, they knew I was coming and prepared this bridge for me" Said The blond visitor.

" My name is not, **is not **"Attendant" , you fucking moron. And for that matter what the hell are you talking, I mean giggling about?" said Attendant.

" Look, look, looky, look they named the bridge after me Attendant." Said The annoying blond jumping up and down.

"I'm going to stop answering you if you keep calling me that, it gets old, real old. And No, no one would add to your already massive ego by committing such an affront to god." said Attendant angrily.

" But looky, looky, looky Uzumaki. It says Usumacinta 'The Great Uzumaki Bridge' so it must be talking about me. I'm the greatest Uzumaki there is or ever was ." said the Blond Uzumaki ignorantly. (I'm beginning to see a trend)

" Ha Ha Dumbass, since when did you change your name?" said Attendant spitefuly.

" What !"

" Cough Cough, ' The Great Uzumaki NARUTO Bridge' you fucker"

" huh? Hey wait I told you to call me 'Kazemaru-sama' when addressing me Attendant "

"I will never Adrdess you as anything other than Dumbass, asshole, dickhead, mother fucker, fucker, retard, dildo face, arrogant fuck face, and so on "

" That wasn't nice Attendant, now lets get this thing cleared up. You there peasant can you tell me who built this bridge?"

" Yeah it was Tazuna,. Wait, 'Peasant ' who the hell do you think you are? " said the Random Villager assaulted by Kazemaru's question.

" What an idiotic question, I do not think of who I am I know who I am and I am Uzumaki Kazemaru, Lord of the second estate of the house of Maki and heir to the title of lord of the western lands of the Realm of Mountains. Now go and Fetch me this Tazuna. Chop. Chop. " Replied Kazemaru.

" Why Should I do that?"

" Because of this. " Said Kazemaru holding a rather large stack of money.

And with that the villager was gone and had somehow managed to master instantaneous movement and had returned with Tazuna on his back.

" Why did you kidnap me?" said a very angry and confused Tazuna.

" You, Bridge Builder, there seems to be a spelling error on your bridges name, you see my name is Kazemaru not Naruto" said His Highness.

" Really? When did you change your name? where you lying to me the whole time you little brat? And when did get so tall? And when did you grow your hair out? And since when do you wear white?" said the fountain of questions that was Tazuna.

" Old man are you insane? I've never met you before and isn't this bridge to honor my arrival in your land ?"

"WTF? Naruto I named the bridge after you since you saved the village. Wait, OMFG you have amnesia!" Spazed Tazuna.

" Huh? WTF? I don't have amnesia. You must be senile, Attendant correct him" Said Kazemaru.

"Fuck You, sir who is Uzumaki Naruto? " said Attendant.

" The guy behind you, or at least I think" Replied Tazuna.

" May I see a picture of this Uzumaki Naruto?"

" here you go"

Tazuna handed Attendant a picture of Naruto and Inari. Naruto the taller boy had wild blond hair and wore loud colors like blue and orange while Inari, Tazuna's grandson wore overalls and a child's hat.

Attendant stared at the picture and exclaimed "OMFG!"

To Be Continued…….

Authors Note- I hope enjoyed my first fanfiction. Comment please, but do not be so blunt as to say you flat out hated it. There is a fineline between constructive criticism and just plain mean.


	2. Chapter 2

Authors note : Thank you for commenting, due to continue to do so and you will be one of my favorite people.

Chapter 2: The Divine Wind Approaches"

The sun rises over the village of Konoha , revealing a beautiful day. Most of the dutiful shinobi of the village have risen with the sun and are preparing for a event filled day. Their scurrying goes on till about noon when giant yawn is released from the apartment of our hero, the one, the only Uzumaki Naruto. He now drowsily stumbles to the bathroom to relive himself and then returns to his bed .

At the same time in the bed placed in rather large carriage pulled by 12 horses Uzumaki Kazemaru awakens. Kazemaru rises and walks as though he is the living dead to the bathroom placed in his carriage. Attendant is in the corner reading the latest in the Itcha Itcha Paradise series, while sounds of urine hitting water are echoed through the door of the bathroom. Five minutes later this sound is replaced by the sound of a shower and then a hairdryer. Attendant then motions with her free hand, 5,4,3,2,1 and…………

"OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" screams Kazemaru.

" How many times have told you that people can't even see your yearly facial hair and that because of that you shouldn't wax your face." said Attendant .

Note that Attendant does not correct Kazemaru out of fear for him causing immense pain to himself, but rather the shrieking that disturbs her reading time. Kazemaru now applies ice packs to his face and quickly returns to his bed.

" You dumbass, you're going mess up your hair that way" Hummed Attendant.

" NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screams Kazemaru as he flew out of the bed.

Back to our hero, who has decided that the day should not be spent in his bed. And in turn has decided for breakfast today shall be Maiso Flavored Ramen. He slurps down the meal as the professionals in those eating contest do and is off for his day. \

At this time as if on a the same schedule, Kazemaru has also started his most important meal of the day beginning with an assortment of fruits, followed by trays of bacon, eggs, pancakes, Belgium waffles, Sausage, French toast, muffins, and coffee to wash it all down. Attendant, the one who has prepared all of this lovely food has now simply returned to her reading of "Itcha Itcha Paradise" .

"Why aren't you eating Attendant?"

" Because I ate four and a half hours ago, and I don't want to have lunch yet"

" You didn't rise at dawn ? How dare you"

" Sorry, I figured why start my day so early when you start yours at noon? And I was gonna wake you up but you where snoring so serenely , you're only normal person volume when you're sleeping. "

"I do not snore!"

"Yeah you do "

"I do not "

"you do "

"I do not "

"you do "

"I do not "

" You don't"

"I do!"

" Haha"

" Damn, why do you keep doing that ?"

"Better question, Why do you let me do it?"

" Oh be quiet, How much longer till Konoha? "

There is a dismal silence.

" Why do you refuse to answer ?"

Attendant begins to make hand gestures on be known to Kazemaru as sign language. Her response was something like this.

**" You told me to be quiet ass hole. I swear sometimes you are truly retarded." **

"WTF, I demand you speak to me. " said a very confused Kazemaru.

" You told me to be quiet, you fucking tard! " said a very annoyed Attendant..


	3. Chapter 3

Authors note : Sorry for the delay, school had began and my time went away. However I've broken my leg and this has given me time to continue the spaziness you know and love.

Chapter 3: The Divine Wind

The gates of Konoha opened and what seemed as a parade had flooded through the gates. Confetti was thrown by 100 servants marching in standard formation wearing a whirlpool insignia. The servants were soon followed by massive carriage pulled by 12 horses . On top of the carriage were 20 beautiful women in cheerleader leader apparel singing

Kazemaru The Divine wind,

We all hail,

He shall prevail,

With out fail

- _Lyrics by Kazemaru _

_(The words were too big for the cheerleaders to come up with by themselves). _

" Is there a parade today?" said Hinata.

" Maybe someone important is visiting. " Said Sakura.

" Maybe a prince! " said Ino with hearts in her eyes.

The parade had stopped and out walked a tall, blond haired man wearing Royal blue and white robes, with sparkling blue eyes and not a blemish on him. It is needless to say the reaction of the three Konoha women who saw this was a massive flush of the face and two of them (more specifically Sakura and Ino) proceeded to have a bloody nose.

The man turned to them and said, " Hello there. My name is Uzumaki Kazemaru Lord of the second estate of the house of Maki and heir to the title of lord of the western lands of the Realm of Mountains. It is a pleasure to meet you but I must be going don't be strangers k?"

As he walked away he turned, winked and blew three kisses. These kisses caused the three konoha kinouchi's to faint from the sheer level of, well for lack of a better word prettiness they had just been witness to.

" Damn he was hot !!!" Said Sakura and Ino in unison.

" Naruto-Kun is so pretty when groomed" said Hinata, more flushed than anyone of the three.

"What are you retarded? Naruto couldn't look like that even with plastic surgery" Screamed Sakura.

" Naruto can be handsome too!!!!! Oragh!" Said inner Hinata.

Meanwhile Shizune just came out of her bath running to inform the Hokage of the occurrence of just a few moments ago. Her hair still dripping wet from her bath (although she is fully dressed you filthy pervs) causes a puddle which she slipped on as she entered the Hokage's office. Shizune slid into Tsunade or rather in to Tsunade's….

" Shizune I had no idea, ewww Lesbian. Where did I put that crucifix, it kills your kind right" Screamed Tsunade throwing Shizune out of her breasts and across the room.

"First of all Tsunade -sama , you can't kill lesbians with crucifix's that's vampires, boyfriends are what ward and kill lesbians because they melt. Secondly don't flatter yourself even if I was, which I'm not why would I go after some fifty something old hag like yourself." Screamed Shizune for the first time in her life.

"What did you say? " Said Tsunade with her anger building.

" Wait Tsunade -sama, I have something to say. There is a very important person who held there own parade in the middle of the village today"

" What? " yelled Tsunade running now to try and find this person who for all they now is a very influential client.

Kazemaru, now walking down the streets of Konoha . Practicing what he calls the "Sway effect" on all the local women of the village was approached by Kiba.

" what's up Naruto? Hey what's with the dress?" asked Kiba unaware of whom he was speaking

" What?!, this is not a dress it is an imperial robe, and who is this Uzumaki Naruto for I Uzumaki Kazemaru shall slay him for these multiple offences "

" Christ , your loud " Said Attendant now holding her head with a massive migraine.

" Attendant, please do not insult your Kazemaru-sama when he is speaking." Said Kazemaur condescendingly.

" That's it , I'm leaving. Your pompous ass can watch it self from now on. " Screamed attendant turning her back and disappearing in a puff of smoke.

"Nooooooooooooooo! Look what you've done fur ball, you made attendant leave. " Said Kazemaru grabbing Kiba.

" But I didn't do anything."

" You're right ill-bred mongrel, the doesn't lie with you or your mutt like upbringing but with Uzumaki Naruto, my nemesis."

" Hey I understand you guys look alike but that is no reason to fight Naruto, and what's with all the dog puns? I should kick your ass."

" It is the ultimate reason, there can only be one with this beautiful face"

" huh?"

" I'm off." Said Kazemaru disappearing like a cheesy villain.

Meanwhile at the ramen shop.

" More Maiso please ?" Screamed Naruto.

" Coming right up. " said Akane

" More Maiso over here too." Screamed a woman who surprisingly could eat as much ramen as Naruto.

Naruto looked over and saw the same amount of emptied bowls (of course only now realizing he had nowhere near the amount of money to pay for what he ate). Despite the amount of Ramen she crammed in her mouth she still looked like a bombshell babe, and as Naruto was gawking at this beautiful vision of a ramen customer a piece of paper was slammed before him.

" Huh?" uttered Naruto

" Your bill Naruto-kun." Said Akane.

" I'll pay for my admirer." Said The beautiful woman.

" Thanks, I'm.."

" Naruto Uzumaki, I know. Dear god you look just like that asshole I work for."

" Uh what? Who are you? How do you know who I am?"

" How rude of me, my name is Shinobu. I know your name because the asshole I work for came here to kill you."

" WHAT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whhhhhy ? "

" Because his last name is Uzumaki as well and we were in the land of waves and your name was on the "Great Uzumaki Bridge" and because his ego is as fragile as a newborn he wants to kill you."

"That makes no sense. But more importantly Tazuna named the bridge after me! Tazuna named the bridge after me, Tazuna named the bridge after me." Said Naruto doing a happy dance.

" Are all Uzumaki's retarded? Well this one is definitely nicer. I got it , I know how I'll get that asshole back for all these years of calling me attendant. I'll date this asshole and force Kazemaru to have to cohabitate with him. " thought Shinobu .

"Hey wait a second how can I be sure you're not trying to kil me too?"

" Because if I was you'd already be dead. Naruto do you mind if I call you Naru-chan? " asked shinobu while playing with her hair.

" uh, umm sure." said Naruto blushing a red deeper than Kyuubi Chakra .

" Let's go somewhere fun Naru-chan." Said Shinobu dragging off the Flushed Konoha shinobi.

To be continued


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Naruto's Hot Date! The Three Stooges and Friends Attack

"Let's go somewhere fun Naru-chan" Said Shinobu.

" Uh sure let's" Said The very red Naruto.

Shinobu reaches inside her cleavage for money while Naruto and the Ramen shop owner watch intensively. Naruto drops to his Knee's ;

"Thank you oh gods in heaven " whispers Naruto.

" Oh my I didn't know I was that much of a catch." Said Shinobu winking at Naruto.

Naruto and the Ramen vendor proceed to have bloody noses, Akane smacks her father in the back of the head for his gawking and attemps to strike Naruto but he has been pulled away.

" So what do Konoha people do for fun?" said Shinobu

" I don't know" said Naruto.

"What do you do for fun?"

" Train?"

" How's bout we get lost ?"

"What do you mean get lost?"

"Walk until we don't know where we are anymore."

" Isn't that going to be hard , seeing as how I live here?"

" That just means our date will be longer than expected" Said Shinobu with a pervy look on her face.

" Huh/" whimpered Naruto.

" Let's go Na-ru- ch-an " with the most innocent expression on her face.

" Sure" said Naruto becoming weak in the knees.

And so they began their wandering date.

In the meantime.

"Dude I'm telling you he was in a dress. " screamed Kiba.

" I don't know, I know he was close to Sasuke way back when but not close enough to get his sense in clothes . " said Chouji.

"Where did that come from?" Said Kiba.

" I can insinuate it because I'm smart" Said Chouji

Shikamaru and Kiba begin to laugh.

"Are you saying I'm not smart?"

"Nah, Chouji, just funny is all" said Shikamaru.

Kiba runs far enough away, and screams;

" Well, I was callin' you stupid, TUBBY"

The word TUBBY echoed .

TUBBY

TUBBY

TUBBY

TUBBY

Shikamaru slaps his forehead and looks down., he begins to pray for Kiba's lost soul. Now as Kiba and Chouji play a very odd game of Cat and Mouse or uh Butterfly and Dog, when the action is stopped by Kiba coming to a Screeching halt when seeing Naruto with a beautiful woman.

" Whoa, WTF??!!!"

" KIBA YOU'RE DEAD!!!!"

"Shut up, look at that "

Kiba and Chouji's mouths hit the floor.

" Hey guys what happened, Kiba's not scheduled to die anymore?" Said Shikamaru.

"What are you guys looking at ?" He said as he looked in the same direction as the other two and his Jaw dropped just as fast.

" Is" said Kiba

" Naruto" said Shikamaru

"With" Said Chouji.

"THAT BEAUTIFUL WOMAN?!!!!!!" they screamed in unison.

" This abomination must be stopped !" Said Shikamaru.

" Naruto will not get a grilfreind before me that is just wrong !" said Kiba

" She's so pretty." said Choji.

So they concocted Plan A (By they I mean Moe, I mean oh crap Shikamaru, wrong show ). In any case Plan A was,

" What is plan A? and why is there a plan A that implies it will fail?" asked Kiba

" Because , A is my favorite letter of the alphabet, it means number one, alpha. Wait I'm the boss , what right do you have to question my authoritey!!! You moron" yelled Shikamaru slapping Kiba in the back of the head.

"Shikamaru I want to know what plan A is too" said Chouji.

" This is plan A." said Shikamaru.

" That is shaving cream" said Kiba very sarcastically.

" If you would let me finish, I would explain Plan A and the use of the shaving cream" Said Shikamaru smacking Kiba's head again.

" Now, Plan A. We will scare the beautiful women away with a rabies infested Akamaru and then slay the fiend "

" I still don't get what the shaving cream's for."

" Does Akamarua have Rabies?"

"No"

" Do you want him to have Rabies?"

"No"

"Then the shaving cream is for giving the appearance of Rabies" said Shikamaru slapping himself due to the pure stupidity of Kiba.

So they put the shaving cream all around Akamaru's mouth after many explanations of Plan A. It got to the point of having to use diagrams.

" Alright go Akamaru, that evil women over there stole all of Kiba's money and you have to get it back now go" Said Shikamaru.

Akamaru begins to snarl and bark at Shinobu, with the shaving cream giving him the appearance of a rabies infested dog .

"Aw, poor doggy Who would be so retarded as to put shaving cream on such a pretty puppy face? Whose a good doggy? Yes you are" Said Shinobu wiping the cream off.

Akamaru return to the three with hearts in his eyes.

" Nice job dumb ass" Said Kiba.

" It's the dog's fault, it's not my fault that the dog is as ferocious as a kitten ." Said Shikamaru.

Akamaru begins to truly froth at the mouth while snarling and growling at Shikamaru.

He begins to chase Shikamaru and finally bites him on the butt.

"Alright Plan B, for the bestest plan everer" Said Kiba confidently and sticking his tongue out at Shikamaru.

" I know there is something wrong with that sentence but I wonder what?" said Shikamaru sarcastically.

" Ha Ha, you think you're so funny "

" Well now, come to think of it, I'm freakin' hilarious"

" Alright plan B, we paint Chouji grey and we make him a boulder to separate the two and then we beat up Naruto"

" Alright go!" They all said in unison.

The giant grey Chouji ball sped toward the dating Shinobi. Shinobu placed herself in front of Naruto and gave it what can only be classified as a Sakura Punch.

" Become the stars in heaven !" screamed Shinobu .

( if you don't get that joke it is ok)

" Well that sucked"

" Fuck you deer boy"

" Shut the fuck up mutt-face"

Chouji has just returned to earth , " How about my Plan, Plan C. C ,being for Chouji!!! My plan is to have Shikamaru use his shadow possession technique to get Naruto away from the pretty lady, and then beat the living shit out of him"

"It's Genius, it requires no planning yet is effective"

"Alright team go!"

Shikamaru uses his shadow possession technique and goes to grabs Naruto, but is stopped by Shinobu who has a sword to his neck now.

"What are you doing to Naru-chan? " Shinobu said in a demonic voice.

Shikamru pissed himself a little.

"uh I know him, he's just retarded " said Naruto

" oh he's a friend then ok" Said Shinobu prancing off .

The two leave and the three are left to their own devices.

" ok anymore idea's?" said Shikamaru

" Naru-chan?" said Chouji and Kiba

" he get's to be a chan, I haven't even been called Kun yet" said Chouji

"Neither have I" said Shikamaru

" Watcha doin? " asked Sai as he magically appeared.

10 minutes later

" Oh, I see so you guys re tryign to kill Naruto-Kun's happiness right?" Said Sai

" Yeah" said all three.

" Then allow me to use Plan F." Said Sai.

" We were only up to D." said Kiba

" F stands for friend, watch and learn." Said Sai walking toward Naruto and Shinobu .

" Hello there" Said Sai waving.

" Eww Gimp recruiteer, run Naru-chan " Said shinobu picking up Naruto and runnig Sai over.

" That is it Plan R." said a very angry Sai.

"Plan R?" Said the three.

" Reinforcements!!! Chouji you go get Ino, Shikamaru go get Neji and Lee, Kiba go get Shino, and I'll get Sakura-san." Said Sai

" Ready break." said all four leaving a huddle.


End file.
